Friday, September 20, 2013
I’ve been meaning to write about this for about a month but just haven’t had a lot of time to do it. And to be honest it’s hard to share but I feel it’s time.
I feel like I have struggled with my weight all my life. Now in reality this is not true. When I look back at pictures I was perfectly normal until late high school/early college. Even then I was maybe max 40-50 pounds overweight. I’m not sure really why I felt at 8 or 9 years old that I was fat and really I’m not here to point fingers and blame (society, family etc…). But I did. It didn’t help I was tall … always taller than 99% of the girls, 100% of the boys until high school and most of my teachers. I liked being tall but I always weighed more because of it and that was embarrassing during those lovely elementary school presidential fitness award thingies. I played sports up until high school so I think that majorly affected my initial weight gain. There are other reasons as well …. As there always are.
I sit here debating even now with myself about if I should list them or not. In the spirit of healing and letting go I will. The reasons I became overweight.
1. I stopped playing sports.
2. I never learned moderation.
Unlike almost all the other kids I knew my mom (I love you don’t take this the wrong way please) kept pretty much all junk food out of our house. We did have desserts a lot but I didn’t have my first Little Debbie snack cake or Twinkie until I was 16 and that’s because my best friend Jennie made me eat one. We weren’t allowed to buy a cereal unless sugar wasn’t in the 1st 3 ingredients. Now I KNOW this is what should happen but I will tell you I did not learn moderation around junk food. When I bought sugar cereal in college when I could finally choose what I wanted, I would eat almost the whole box because it was so good and it was the first time I could choose and do what I wanted. I now believe in moderation. I buy my kids a crap cereal every once in a while so they can learn moderation around junk because it is everywhere.
3. Attention makes me uncomfortable.
I’m fundamentally shy with people I don’t know. And I like to just be in the background. You tend to get a whole lot less attention when you’re overweight. Fat makes a good insulation layer I’ve found against unwanted attention. I’m working on this ….
4. I don’t like to be told what to do/I want society to kiss my ass.
As I got larger I heard more and more noise from my mom* and family about my weight and well during those late teenage years/early 20’s I didn’t want to be told what to do OR how to be especially by my family. I’ve also always gone against the grain or done things my way. So when society says be skinny, I say fuck you I shouldn’t have to be. I honestly still feel this way. I think its bullshit the pressure on women to be thin. We are all different and as long as you are healthy then who the fuck cares. Now I’m not saying I was healthy at my largest weight and not that I am completely healthy now. I was not/am not but part of me never wants to conform to what society thinks I should be. I am now striving to get healthy NOT solely to lose weight.
5. I <3 food="">3>
I enjoy food and cooking and I especially LOVE sweets. I have issues with portion control and desserts.
6. I just got lazy.
That’s the honest truth. Working out is hard and I didn’t want to do it. Then as my weight got higher it got even harder to do so it just became a bad catch 22.
Those are the reasons I have identified to date. I’m working on all of them some with a lot more success than others.
So for those of you that know me and are close to me you know I started on a journey in August to get healthy. I decided a few months ago that I was tired of always being tired and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I also knew that if I didn’t start to get healthy that my family wouldn’t either. So I turned 37 in April and decided that I wanted to be fit and healthy by the time I hit 40 (notice I didn’t say skinny or thin or some other acceptable societal norm bullshit). My good friend Melissa sent me a link to Fitness Motivation and their Project Weight Loss Wilmington mission. The first round was over and they were doing a second round. I took the plunge and applied. Anita the owner/trainer/task master/friend/motivator being the big hearted person she is took all 19 people who applied! She is doing this out of the goodness of heart and wanting to help and she’s doing it for us for FREE! So I’ve started on this journey. I learned some important things in the short time I’ve been doing this. I still don’t like exercise all that much BUT I love the way I feel after. I’ve become one of those obnoxious workout posters on Facebook. I actually kinda like to run/jog. I will one day do a 5k and I might even like it. A food diary is a MUST. You have NO idea what you are really eating until you write it (or in my case scan it or type in to MyFintnessPal) down. It’s fucking eye opening how many calories I was eating before.
This is only a 12 week commitment on my part and hers but I will continue on with my couch to 5k program, food diary and maybe we can figure out a way to squeeze our already tight financials and continue on with Anita for a while (that’s my hope anyway).
I have my bad days but I will and that’s important to know and accept. The point is, it’s going to be slow and steady and I’m committed to this. Maybe if I’m brave enough in the future I will post a before and after or really a ‘this is where I am right now’ photo. I’m not that brave yet. But I’ve already lost 14 pounds and who knows how many inches (but my shorts and work pants are starting to fall off!) so that’s progress. And I’ll take it!
*My mom is not sounding great as I read this but PLEASE know my mom is wonderful and supportive and I know all she ever wanted was the best for me. I just didn’t want to hear it from her in the past! And how I reacted to her is what got me to where I am because I’m stubborn and rebellious!